President's Bulletins are usually deleted or updated each week but this one after the weekend of the Novice Nationals & ARMGODS NEC proved popular & tells a tale of what it's like to put on events.
---
As a child of the 70's I got to see the Carry On Films regularly back when there were only 3 channels on TV. For those who don't know, the series was made up of a regular cast of comedians joined by guests in different locations & situations. The plot always involved someone (or a small group of people) trying to do something worthwhile whilst circumstances & idiots conspired to make the whole thing a shambles. Sound familiar?
If I were to pitch a reboot film I would call it "Carry on Armwrestling" & the plot would read something like this:
Two friends - lets call them Paul & Dan - both organise arm wrestling in different parts of the country. Circumstances mean that they both end up putting on an event in the same city on the same weekend. Some of the competitors Paul would like to invite are refereeing for Dan. Some people want to compete in both events are not referees or even armwrestlers but think they could win everything based upon beer & delusion. They send to both declaring this.
Before the event Paul & Dan are making their plans & other characters are introduced. Two referees from the World championship organisation are recruited to help Dan. They are small ladies & whilst used to the strong men of continental armwrestling, they find the island population of the UK very different. They are met at the airport by Dan & a World Champion - let's call him Adrian - & they travel to the hotel drinking expensive whiskey (provided) hearing tales of Road Udezumou.
Dan puts all his information on a website, whilst Paul mainly communicates by voice or video. Dan finds that some people can't or won't read so characters are introduced who spend their time asking questions. Most are directed to read the same information again. Paul finds that some of the people he has spoken to didn't listen & both men talk regularly about how the same people don't seem to understand the answers even after being told multiple times.
Some who are told they won't be able to compete decide to travel & turn up anyway hoping to be included. Three armwrestlers travel to a venue that is not even one of the two in the story - they go to one used three years ago instead. The action returns to them regularly as they try to find their way by asking directions from people who have no idea where anything is. A newly formed group of armwrestlers (who are all capable of speaking for themselves) find that the stupidest person of the group has appointed themself leader to speak for them all. They are too polite to intervene. Whilst all this is going on vehicles are loaded, items are dropped, broken, lost or stolen & the telephones of Paul & Dan continually ring. Sometimes the calls have nothing to do with the competitions - just domestic utility concerns going on in the background but mostly it is the stupid people who have already asked questions elsewhere who have called again hoping for a different answer.
There are two characters who are convinced that Paul & Dan are the same person so they ask the wrong one questions about the others event & don't believe the replies they get.
At Dan's weigh in people ask if they can weigh in late, by live video link or be excused the process altogether based on imagination or an anecdote of what they weighed elsewhere at another time. Meanwhile Paul finds that some of his competitors have decided to attend social functions instead, choosing to take their grannies hamster to the vet or suchlike despite asking for a place on the show. Dan is offered a photograph of a 7 year old boy wearing an England flag t shirt in front of the great pyramid of Giza as proof of residency. All the mishaps occur one after the other with messages being passed on phones for Dan or Paul to read whilst they are loading equipment or setting up for the shows. Meanwhile others ask when is it starting, when will it end, who goes first, & why isn't it me?
Then the armwrestling itself starts & provides a lot of action - some of the wrestlers look like gorillas whilst others resemble marathon runners. Unlikely looking people win & lose - some argue with the referees - Dan argues with almost everyone. The show goes on - there are dramas, triumphs, hopes realised & dashed. Wasps randomly attack the scoring team & one of the scorers - lets call her Hollie - proves to be the champion of swatting them. One lands on Dan's head & everyone nearby encourages her to squash it with something heavy. Someone suggests that one of the larger referees - lets call him James - be found to do it. One armwrestler fouls & doesn't know why & becomes frustrated - his family are laughing because he doesn't understand the rules. He then wins the match by a convincing pin but when the referee calls for him to stop & shouts win he is already convinced they are fouling him again for no reason so he starts to argue with them - it takes Dan to explain that he has won. Hand signals of W & L (L on the forehead) are introduced so he knows whether he has won or lost for the rest of the tournament.
In short it all looks like chaos, in the background there are extra fun matches going on where those who were seemingly unscathed by their competition performances carry on until they are exhausted or injured. Paul & his team & some of the competitors travel over to visit Dan & more stories are told. Out in the car park one of the competitors brings out circus dumbells from his van & asks if can anyone lift one off the floor. James the giant referee who has been busy all weekend moving equipment & having challenge matches between officiating sees them. He has had a few beers now & it looks like his baggy shorts might fall down. Despite this, he picks both up & runs away with them. Onlookers, impressed, measure the distance to find he is just short of the world record. James is very pleased & is congratulated by everyone - except Hollie (his wife) & Dan, who urgently calls him away from his audience - for a photograph back in the venue. It's all smiles at the end, medals, belts & trophies are shown off, a million photos are taken & stories shared of the weekends activities carry on for weeks.
Dan goes home, can't find his smart phone, calls the pub who search everywhere for it. He spends 10 minutes in the dark looking underneath his van with a torch for the ear piece he dropped. Finally exhausted he sits down to find the phone in his pocket & the earpiece on the table in front of him. His wife rolls her eyes wearily. Elsewhere Paul has lost something & is also trying to find it much to the amusement of his wife. And the phones ring & ring & ring.
It's dark & we cut to a car with three hapless armwrestlers still driving in circles around the Birmingham ring road. One has an upside down old map of the M25. Another is texting Dan to get directions whilst the other, driving with one hand is lamenting that Paul isn't answering his phone. They can't find the NEC or Kingsheath cricket club, but nevermind - the pro nationals are on in 27 days so once they get there they will at least be the first to weigh in. Hooray. However, they forget to put any money in the parking meter so in 2 months time they will start the process of paying idiot tax instead of putting their details into the computer inside the club to park for free.
Roll the Credits. Thanks to Judyta, Paulina, Hollie, James, Dave, Adrian, Dan Hanlon, Maria, Sian, Reuben, Oli, Tim, Pawel, Scott, Alan, Karl - you were all great.
Results as always available on the results page.
See you down the road.